Birthdays and Breakups

I'm finding myself fearing getting older in a way I never expected. I have plenty of hair, but more of a forehead than I did five years ago. I am not overweight (yet), but there are a couple more inches than I had a year or two ago.

And there are moments when I wonder why I'm not married and starting a family. I have a big desire to have kids (or at least, I do when I see other people's kids). But the idea of being responsible 24 hours a day, seven days a week; being a family man with 2.3 cars and a dog and a house -- well, maybe I'm not ready for that. And the reality of diapers... Elsewhere on posi-web, the truly wonderful miraculous magic of birth is being documented, and it makes me giddy. And though I'm in no position to have kids of my own any time soon, I think about it. You could say clock is ticking.

I'm not going out with anyone right now. I date different women from time to time, and there are women I'm interested in (no names here). But I'm still recovering from my last relationship, so I don't feel fully ready.

Katherine broke up with me on just about two years ago, shortly after my birthday. I can't begin to describe our relationship or how much I loved her. When it ended I was immediately plunged into the darkest depression, which I felt powerless over. She moved to Amsterdam a little later, where she's been ever since. We talked a bit last year, when she called to wish me a happy birthday -- but not this year. Things were bad between us last summer when she came out for a brief visit, and our talks didn't go well. So for Christmas, she sent me a card saying she didn't want to talk to me for a while.

She's smarter than I am. I think it's a good idea, because otherwise I will never get over her. Here it is two years later and I think about her still. (But, thank god, much less, much less.)

It was also a year ago that my mom suffered her stroke. Starting in September, I'm going to move back home and help take care of her for a year.

So, what did I wish for, for my birthday? I wish that my mom continues to recover and eventually heals. And I wish that my next relationship doesn't break up around my birthday.

April, said T.S. Eliot, is the cruelest month. I've never agreed. I love the sound and feel and smell of April. I love the word "April" itself. As I get older, I get wiser, my skills and experiences and insights improve, and in California the days become warm and I start thinking of families. My outlook seems bright. At heart, I'm always an optimist. Too much dwelling on the past is bad for the future.